Long story short I didn’t go because I was to hung-over.
Instead I woke up at an inappropriate time and went to the pool. I know what you’re thinking what a waste of
sperm, you sat around all day like a slob and did absolutely nothing. False. I
had a very productive day. I went to the gym, got a nice tan, had a sweet
masturbation session, then for obvious reasons took a nap, cleaned out the
fridge (Only 1 drawer) I bought like 3 groceries, and I threw away a piece of
trash that wasn’t mine I found in my apartment.
Later on in the day my buddies and me decide to go have a
nice family dinner at Sonic. Its 20
minutes away but Sonic is like God jizzing in your mouth. It’s worth the trip. Anything
that’s not fast food is out of our price range and the fact that they serve the
food on roller skates makes us feel like were eating out at a fancy restaurant.
Like The Olive Garden or some shit.
The wait at Sonic was ungodly long so instead we hit the
casino because it’s right in the area. A few weeks ago I learned how to count
cards and I picked it up pretty quick. Since were only 10 minutes away from the
casino I’m thinking this is like divine intervention. (If God is a compulsive gambler)
My friend is worried because he’s down a total of $46 lifetime at the casino
but we convince him and eventually find our way to the blackjack table. I start
off betting $5 a hand, and then the count starts to go in my favor. I tell my
friends if I’m up $100 I’m walking away. At this point I’m up $120 but the deck
is stacked in my favor. There are more face cards in the shoe than a goddamn
pinnacle deck. So I keep going. Betting $60 a hand (like 4 olive Garden
dinners). At the end of the shoe I’m up over $300 and I feel like I just won
the super bowl/fucked Kate Upton/found out my STD test was negative. We head
back to school ready to start the night hood rich as fuck.
I had drank 15 out of the last 16 nights. Don’t judge me it
was shark week and there was a week long marathon of Catfish on. (Two of my
favorite TV shows to play drinking games to). So right as we pull into the
parking garage we start drinking beers. Shortly after we start shot gunning
then progress to taking shots of Tennessee Honey Whiskey. Eventually a bunch of
friends show up one of which was a cute girl who let me feel her tits as long
as I wanted to but doesn’t want to have sex because she has a boyfriend. This
is a frat party bitch don’t bring your morals and ethics in here. Bring you’re
A game and an unhealthy ambition to binge drink.
Next, this fat girl comes through the party and proceeds to
drink a bunch of booze and be obnoxiously loud. Whatever as long as she’s not
eating my 3 groceries or stampeding through my clean fridge like a hippopotamus
at feeding time. Since I’m a horrible person and probably going to Hell I say 3
things to her within the first hour of hanging out. These things are. “Hey you
look good tonight,” then I made a loud buzzer noise and gave her two thumbs
down. 2. “Hey that’s a cute shirt. To bad somebody else isn’t wearing it.” And
3. I asked her how much a replacement gym card cost because she clearly lost
hers.
I end up doing my civic duty and making up for my unexcused
absence on the Mexico trip by fucking fatty Mcgoo twice that night. I’m not
claiming giving obese women pleasure its Gods Work but it’s definitely the closest I’ve come to
it in my day filled with gambling, masturbation, and treating others like shit.
While we fuck she just sits there and
doesn’t move or burn any calories the entire time and occasional moaned like a horny
wildebeest. Overall I rank her as a C-.
The next day I’m second-guessing my choice of sexual
partners but then I realize it could be worse after hearing this conversation
between my friends.
Steve: I did something bad last night
Juan: What?
Steve: I stuck my finger in this girls but
Juan: That doesn’t sound that bad
Steve: Then I stuck my finger in her mouth
Ohh Steve you're such a romantic
