Am I a Philanthropist?

 My roommate wakes me up at 8am to go to Mexico but not your regular cheap strippers, tequila, and fish tacos till you throw up Mexico this trip was for charity. We were going to feed poor children in Tijuana with a church one of my friends go to. I try to do this at least a few times a year. That way I feel it balances out the constant drug use, habitual missing 

of church, and my ongoing attempt to cheat my way through college. Life’s all about balance and I already know I’m going to be an absentee father, so this evens the playing field.

Long story short I didn’t go because I was to hung-over. Instead I woke up at an inappropriate time and went to the pool.  I know what you’re thinking what a waste of sperm, you sat around all day like a slob and did absolutely nothing. False. I had a very productive day. I went to the gym, got a nice tan, had a sweet masturbation session, then for obvious reasons took a nap, cleaned out the fridge (Only 1 drawer) I bought like 3 groceries, and I threw away a piece of trash that wasn’t mine I found in my apartment.

Later on in the day my buddies and me decide to go have a nice family dinner at Sonic.  Its 20 minutes away but Sonic is like God jizzing in your mouth. It’s worth the trip. Anything that’s not fast food is out of our price range and the fact that they serve the food on roller skates makes us feel like were eating out at a fancy restaurant. Like The Olive Garden or some shit.

The wait at Sonic was ungodly long so instead we hit the casino because it’s right in the area. A few weeks ago I learned how to count cards and I picked it up pretty quick. Since were only 10 minutes away from the casino I’m thinking this is like divine intervention. (If God is a compulsive gambler) My friend is worried because he’s down a total of $46 lifetime at the casino but we convince him and eventually find our way to the blackjack table. I start off betting $5 a hand, and then the count starts to go in my favor. I tell my friends if I’m up $100 I’m walking away. At this point I’m up $120 but the deck is stacked in my favor. There are more face cards in the shoe than a goddamn pinnacle deck. So I keep going. Betting $60 a hand (like 4 olive Garden dinners). At the end of the shoe I’m up over $300 and I feel like I just won the super bowl/fucked Kate Upton/found out my STD test was negative. We head back to school ready to start the night hood rich as fuck.

I had drank 15 out of the last 16 nights. Don’t judge me it was shark week and there was a week long marathon of Catfish on. (Two of my favorite TV shows to play drinking games to). So right as we pull into the parking garage we start drinking beers. Shortly after we start shot gunning then progress to taking shots of Tennessee Honey Whiskey. Eventually a bunch of friends show up one of which was a cute girl who let me feel her tits as long as I wanted to but doesn’t want to have sex because she has a boyfriend. This is a frat party bitch don’t bring your morals and ethics in here. Bring you’re A game and an unhealthy ambition to binge drink.

Next, this fat girl comes through the party and proceeds to drink a bunch of booze and be obnoxiously loud. Whatever as long as she’s not eating my 3 groceries or stampeding through my clean fridge like a hippopotamus at feeding time. Since I’m a horrible person and probably going to Hell I say 3 things to her within the first hour of hanging out. These things are. “Hey you look good tonight,” then I made a loud buzzer noise and gave her two thumbs down. 2. “Hey that’s a cute shirt. To bad somebody else isn’t wearing it.” And 3. I asked her how much a replacement gym card cost because she clearly lost hers.

I end up doing my civic duty and making up for my unexcused absence on the Mexico trip by fucking fatty Mcgoo twice that night. I’m not claiming giving obese women pleasure its Gods Work  but it’s definitely the closest I’ve come to it in my day filled with gambling, masturbation, and treating others like shit.  While we fuck she just sits there and doesn’t move or burn any calories the entire time and occasional moaned like a horny wildebeest. Overall I rank her as a C-.

The next day I’m second-guessing my choice of sexual partners but then I realize it could be worse after hearing this conversation between my friends.

Steve: I did something bad last night

Juan: What?

Steve: I stuck my finger in this girls but

Juan: That doesn’t sound that bad

Steve: Then I stuck my finger in her mouth

Ohh Steve you're such a romantic

How Jackie moon motivated me to go ginger for the night

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New blog website

This blog will be moving to smutandsuch.tumblr.com

What Ill be doing there is making short comments daily on a few sports and news stories.

Every Friday I will do my weekly story

I haven't done one in a few weeks due to outrageous amounts of school work and my inability to stay sober

Cya on  smutandsuch.tumblr.com

MIcrowaved Ice Cream

So it’s a casual Wednesday and Vern and I start the day off by going to the STD clinic and getting checked out for the first time ever. On a serious note it’s something everyone should do and I’m glad we did. The rest of the day we spent going to gym/sitting around and listening to the news on how some citizens in Alabama or someplace are being denied their constitutional rights.

 Now its night time and my boy Vern and I make our way down to our local watering whole. We make the 15 minute walk cuz we dont want to end up like Amand Bynes driving around shitfaced at 4am. And what do you know its $2 drink night. We instantly order 4 sprites and vodkas. Chug them. Then order 4 more. About 2 hours later the club is closing and were about 9 drinks deep. Each. So now its adventure time. The club is closing and all the cute girls are making their way to the exit. So before adventure time it’s time to implement the 2 minute drill. This is where its 12:58 and you have exactly 2 minutes to try and pick up any cute chic in the club. 30% of the time it works, 60% of the time it doesn’t and 10% of the time you get arrested. Lucky me I would experience all 3 before the night was over.

The 2 minute drill is a complete failure and I feel like the early 90's Buffalo Bills. But in no way would I let this affect my attitude towards adventure time. So now Vern and I are on an adventure. I know this because we are walking the exact opposite way of where our apartment is. After about 5 minutes of walking we go by my old apartment. The only reasonable thing to do was break in. I still had a key so no felony for me tonight. We walk around and it’s completely empty except for one crucial appliance. The mother fucking microwave. For some reason in the move out I had forgot to take the microwave with me. So I pick up the microwave and bring it with me on adventure time.

The upstairs neighbors must have heard us rummaging around like 2 drunken idiots so they pop their heads outside the window. We say hello and they respond with a 2 minute lecture on how were not supposed to be in our old apartment. I assure them not to worry I’m just picking up my microwave but for whatever reason they call the police…the police station is less than a 1minute drive away. So Vern and I run out of the house carrying the microwave. With the police hot on our tail I drop the microwave on the beach.  It’s one of those gigantic 1940’smicrowave that’s nearly the size of a Honda Prius. Carrying it would be a clear handicap in my escape from the police. SO I ditch it and we continue adventure time.

After about 5 minutes of walking we walk by a mini golf course/ice cream shop. There are 2 cute female employees by whole number one and they are locking up the course for the night. I start talking to them and they let us in the locked gate. They bring us back inside the ice cream shop where they have a few bottles of booze. We start to drink and after about 5 minutes I’m making out with this girl by the 28 flavors of ice cream. I interrupt the make out sesh and ask her if I could have some ice cream. She responds with make yourself as much as you want here are the toppings. She opens up a cabinet of about 40 toppings and at this point I’m considering proposing to her.

I make myself the largest ice cream sundae of all time and attempt to eat it for the next 30 minutes. Then I challenge her to a game of mini golf and we walk outside with clubs and balls ready to face off in a game of mini golf at 230am.One minor problem…There’s a cop right there. He asks us what we’re doing and she responds with “I work here.” I tell the cop I also work there and he gives me the death stare but eventually leaves. So now we can start mini golf. Next thing I know were on the 7^th whole hooking up.

Now in my life I’ve hooked up with 2 girls that have had tongue rings. The first girl it made no difference I could barely even notice it. However this girl’s tongue ring was the best thing I had ever experienced ….since when I ate ice cream with 36 topping earlier. Next I realize I have no condom and attempt for the backdoor. Bam shut down. So I just proceed without a condom. And now my STD test I had received less than 6 hours ago is completely useless.

Afterwards as I’m getting up I realize my shorts are broken. This requires me to hold them up with one hand. I say my goodbyes, grab my clothes just throwing my boxers in my pocket and go for a quick exit I call Vern who has somehow migrated to 3 blocks down the street. AT this point its 4am and adventure time is coming to a close. So we find a ronday Vu spot about 2 blocks up and meet up to start our walk home. Its 420am and me Vern and I enjoy a peacefull 3 minute walk along the beach/park before we are rudley interrupted.

Vern and I are the only people on the street. No cars, bikes, pedestrian’s not even pigeons. A police car drives by us where he instantly pulls a U turn and drives on the wrong side of the road immediately up next to us. The conversation went like this

Cop: Let me see you ids

Me: Why

Cop: Because I said so

We hand him our ids

Cop: Where are you going?

Me: Were going home

Cop: Where are you coming from?

Me: My friend’s house

Cop: Why are your pants down?

(They weren’t down but I was holding them up with my hand because they broke earlier)

Me: Because I just had sex

Looking back this was probably not the best thing to say but I was super tired at this point so I just answered all his questions honestly.  And I was super tired and didnt appreciate the fact that he was interrogating us like he was john walsh and just captured an Americas # 2 most wanted fugitive.

The cop runs our id’s and while he’s doing this I start talking to Vern. After hearing about 6 hours of redneck constitutional rights earlier in the day I start to chat with Vern about the constitution and just blurt out whatevers on my mind like im Ozzie Guillen. The whole time I never raised my voice and was only talking to Vern but I think the cop overheard us. These are some of the things I said

“Why are we being stopped we did nothing wrong”

“This is against our constitutional right.”

“Doesn’t this cop have anything better to do?”

"Charles Manson has more rights then we do right now."

“This is bullshit bro.”

The cop then gives us back our id’s and asks us again “Where are you going.” I respond with “I just told you were going home.” The cop then says “I don’t like your attitude your under arrest for public Urination.” Then he cuffs me. Now during my arrest multiple things happen.

1.       While I’m cuffed the Cop knocks the hat off my head by taking a roundhouse open palmed bar punch at my head. He just winds up and hits the hat right off my head about 20 feet down the street. If he had missed by an inch I probably would have been unconscious.

2.       The cop refuses to call me by my real name and only refers to me as “Francine.” This happened 10-15 times.

3.       The cop completely searches me for anything. Then when we get to the station he tells me to take off my belt and put my hands against the wall. I explain to him that my pants are broken and if I do this my pants will fall down. He physically forces me to do it anyways. I stand there bare ass up against the wall while he just sits there and chuckles for about 30 seconds. At this point I was almost positive I would see my ass on Instagram the next day. Then tells me to pick up my pants.

4.       The cop tells me 3-5 times about how I am going to get ass raped in a federal penitentiary because that is where I’m headed.

5.       He from time to time randomly insults me and responds with “What are you going to do about it, I’d bet you like to hit me.”

 

I’m a seasoned veteran at dealing with cops and after about 2 minutes I could tell that this officer deserved a starring role in Super Troopers 2.So the whole time I was just amused and just laughed everything off. It’s now about 6am

I know Vern Will bail me out and I use my 1 phone call to call Planned Parenthood and schedule another STD test. Then Vern and I walk home at about 7am. A few days later while on the beach I notice a microwave sitting in the sand. Sure enough it’s my microwave. I bring it home and it still works to perfection. I used it to make the burrito I’m eating right now.

Trash cans and illegal poker-The aftermath

PART 4-The aftermath

I only told my parents and my best friend that I had won the money. But making 100,000 dollars in one night a few weeks after your 17^th birthday isn’t exactly normal. Within a few days everyone in the whole town knew. Everywhere I went I had people asked me about it and I heard some crazy stories. One person asked me if it was true I had won a million dollars playing blackjack. Another asked me if it was true I had lost $50,000 gambling and I had serious problem and needed to seek counseling. I heard everything you could imagine. I had no idea the money came with so many side effects.

A positive-The girls. I have no idea why but when girls find out you have money it’s like all of a sudden your dick is made out of chocolate mousse cake. Within the first few weeks of me making that money I hung out/ hooked up with more girls than I had in my entire life combined. I have no idea how many it was I Just know it was fucking awesome. That part that sucks is that most girls under no circumstance you could go out with. Unless you were cool with girls just likening you for having money.

 

A negative is money severely changes people. Even people in my own family were constantly asking me for money. All my friends all wanted money all the time. I would have random strangers come up to me with business plans about how we could make money if I invested in them. Even family members asked me for dough.

Another negative is some teachers for whatever reason got really mad at me. One teacher purposely gave me lower grades than I deserved because of me winning this money. After class when I asked him for help, he said “why don’t you just go play poker” I think one teacher even asked me for money.

I had worked hard for this money but since I was 17 and we played at my friend delicious house his Uncle refused to give me my money unless he would take a cut. This cut was $22,000. Unfortunately there was nothing I could do so I had to give him the 22k so I could get the rest of my money. Delicious Uncle was the exact opposite of delicious. He was just a greasy. Literally and figuretivly. He was a used car dealer and exempliefied everything it meant to be a used car salesman. He was just a greaseball shady character. And he was 400 pounds.So he literally had his poores clogged with frialator greese from to many double whoopers. How much of a grimy sketch ball do you have to be to take 22k from a teenager just from sitting on your fat ass and doing nothing besides being fat and eating fried food/cold cuts?

I also was not allowed to touch any of the money since I was only 17.So I still had no money. I had 80k in the bank but couldn’t afford to buy lunch the following few weeks at school.

People only started to see me as money and I lost a lot of good relationships because of it. IN the end I bought a nice car, paid for school, was able to support myself for years, gave a bunch to fam/friends and I still have a little bit left.

Without doubt it was a rollercoaster ride and a story will be telling for the rest of my life.

Trash cans and illegal poker finale

So for the finale of trash cans and illegal poker….In case you missed the first 2 parts. Here are all the spark notes/key plot points you need to know. And no this story is not an April Fools Joke

1.       I’m broker than Mike Tyson post ear biting incident but pre his wonderful cameo in the Hangover.

2.       On a Friday night In lieu of my usual 17 year old partying I go to an underground poker room and make 150$..along with my friend Delicious

3.       The next day Saturday, Delicious convinces me to take my 150, combine it with his 150 and enter a $300 9 person winner take all tournament. We win and have 2700$ (1350 each). My bank account, wallet, all my assets now add up to 1357

So I leave Delicious house (after our 2700 victory) Saturday and go back to my house. Before I even arrive back at the crib, Delicious calls me and asks me to let it ride a 3^rd time. But this time was different. This time the buy in was 2700$ and over 3000 players were playing. The tournament was called the world championship of online poker and we at age 17 would be playing with the best players in the world a year before we were legally allowed to play…… But the thing was we were just as good…if not better.

Well actually not really. These were the best players in the world in their prime; we were just two 17 year old kids who thought they were invincible. But we were pretty good. I started playing poker when I was 15. My dad didn’t allow me to play online poker. So I would go to the library after school and play from 2-4.Play basketball from 4-7. Do various 15 year old things till 11pm. My dad would go to bed at 11 so I’d wake up…and id play poker from 11pm to 4 am. Go to bed at 4 and wake up at 7.  From sophomore year to senior year in high school I played nightly and made enough money to pay for everything I needed. However I was always broke because I had to hide it from my dad. I also had to pay for things like clothes, food, bills. Random things most 15 year olds don’t usually pay for. Delicious dropped out of school in the 7^th grade and played poker fully to support himself. We were nowhere near as good as the best players in the world but we were the best teenagers around.

There was so much I could of used the 2700$ for and I needed it really badly. But I was barely 17, I was dumb, ambitious, ignorant so I said fuck it lets play. (Not much has changed) Me and Delicious took our 1350 each and signed up for the 2700$ tournament.

The tournament was scheduled to start at 4pm. I played in my basketball game and arrived to Delicious house at 430. The tournament started 30 minutes late and it was perfect timing. We sat in an unlit room in his cold as shit basement of his grandma’s house and started playing online poker.  The same thing over 3500 people across the globe were doing that put up 2700$. Except they were probably at nice computers in rooms with heat and not barely of age to get their driver’s license. And so we began playing…a little excited mostly scared as shit that we had so much money on the line. Probably 98% of my net worth-no exaggeration.

But then something funny happened. We forgot. Delicious forgot. I forgot. We forgot that we were playing against the best players in the world. We forgot that we were only 17. We forgot that we had 2700$ and my entire net worth on the line. We forgot that we were in a cold, unlit basement in his grandma’s house. I forgot that I had been forced to play from 11pm-to 4am every night to do the same thing others were able to do at any time. We forgot how much the money meant and how we were just 2 acne faced teenagers barely 17, one who grade wise was close to getting kicked out of public high school and the other never graduated from junior high. We forgot about it all. And we just played…and we played better than either one of us had ever played.

We stepped up and lived in the moment. We were in the zone. This was our one chance and we weren’t going to let it slip away. And so we played and played and played and played….until 6am. Almost 14 hours straight.

At just after 6 am everything I done with poker became validated in one short moment. Playing every night till the wee hours of the morning. Getting only 3 hours of sleep for a year and a half…every night. Reading book after book instead of studying for school. Recording tapes of poker on TV and watching them over and over and over again. Listening to people tell me it was all luck when they had no idea how much time and effort I had put into this craft. Having to listen to my own parents tell me I was a gambling addict. Teachers saying me making money at it was a pipe dream. For a year and a half I had put in over 10,000 hours of learning, playing, studying. Just immersing myself in the art of poker ignoring what everyone else was telling me. And now it had paid off. All the hard work and dedication had led Delicious and I to that one moment and we had captured it.

At 615am we came in 5^th place. 5^th place made us The #1, and #2 most successful poker players ever in the world under the age of 18.  We had made $100,000.

Ya one hundred thousand……..

each.

Next time the aftermath of what happens when you give 2 teenagers 100k each and everyone in a small town finds out about. This story might be crazier than the actual making of the money.

Most Innovative Idea of all time/ guaranteed A / future of birth control

For marketing class we needed to think of a unique product with a unique way of advertising it. The only 2 rules were no company could be producing it right now and no company advertises there product in such a way. After 6 seconds of brainstorming this is the first thing I came up with and I just went with it…..

My creative product I am trying to advertise is Wholly condoms. They are condoms with holes in them. For the clean lover that wants to have fun and also wants a baby, Wholly condoms. You found that perfect mother but uh oh she has herpes Wholly condoms are for you.

I am going to advertise them in different places. The first is at church. The church is tradionally pro-life. These condoms are also pro-life. They are in no way or form birth control. They are actually the exact opposite. They unequivalently support reproduction. Therefore I was thinking that they could be promoted at churches. Possibly when one goes up for communion instead of wine and a wafer they get wine, a wafer, and a Wholly condom. One will also get a condom if they contribute to the collection plate. For every dollar someone contributes they get one condom.

The second place I would advertise is Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood helps prevent unwanted babies and unwelcome disease. Unfortunately wholly condoms do not do a great job of stopping undesired offspring but they are tremendous at preventing disease. Seeing how disease is tied for the top of the list on Planned Parenthood’s most dreaded consequences, I think Planned Parenthood would welcome Wholly Condoms with open arms.

The final place I would advertise them is at STD clinics. Wholly condoms primarily markets to members of society who want to reproduce with other members of society who have sexually transmitted disease. Therefore a large portion of Wholly condoms cliental would be located at these clinics.

Other random ideas for advertising would be hiring a washed up celebrity as a spokesperson such as Hulk Hogan, Woody Allen, the estate of Anna Nicole Smith, the person who sang the Macarena, the most unpopular Jonas brother, or Kim Kardashian in 10 years. The next type of advertising is putting the logo on fluorescent urinal cakes. People are already using their genitalia to urinate so chances are something about their penis has crossed their mind while urinating. Therefore what’s one more thing involving your penis. Wholly condoms.

Wholly condoms are the first condom that both Planned Parenthood and the church can agree is a positive for society. Wholly condoms also have an edge economically on its competitors because it only uses 98% of the latex that other condom manufactures do. That’s not a lot of latex for just one pack of condoms but when you take into account how many condoms are produced a year financially this is a significant advantage.

Have you ever been a female before? While being that female have you ever lied to your boyfriend? Have you ever lied to your boyfriend by saying you’re pregnant when you’re really not so your boyfriend won’t leave you for a much cuter younger girl with better measurements? I think like 9 of my friends have had this inconvenient situation forced upon them. And I think like 6 of my friends have tried it. IT even happened to me…twice. Well if you’re a strapping young male with a promising future and your ex/almost ex-girlfriend says you knocked me up you can say wait just one second young lady I didn’t use a wholly condom. I used one of those stupid condoms with no holes. I call FALSE on your accusation. BUT WAIT females instead of accusing your boyfriend of impregnating you when you know it’s not true…take that next step and actually get yourself impregnated. Use a wholly condom. This way when your boyfriend doesn’t believe you just say look at my belly..wat up son…child support…Wholly Condoms.

Coming soon is our next product. Stay tuned for breakaway condoms…..condoms designed to break.

This teacher better give me an A plus or I am causing a scene in class.