A wise man once told me "if you’re not drinking alcohol on Halloween than you’re not celebrating the holiday properly there buddy." Last Halloween I forgot that this old proverb (probably told to me by a homeless man) also allows you to drink non-alcoholic drinks on holidays as well.
My friend Vern attends college 2 hours north of my hometown. My friend Vern's college loves to party. My friend Vern loves to party even more. Usually an a+ combination for me...except this night things would be different.
Upon much consideration for a Halloween costume I eventually decided on a box of wine. The first thing I did was drive to my local Wal-Mart and scavenge the store for the largest cardboard box I could find. I eventually found a box filled with about 30 rolls of toilet paper just big enough to fit my entire body in. I emptied out the toilet paper and casually walked out with my Box ready to make the best costume of all time. At this point in the day my hopes were high for a wildly fun night....these hopes would soon be shattered.
When I got to my crib I cut out whole for arms and a head in the box. Next I found a scanned image online of all 4 sides of a box of wine. Me friend Acura who’s a freaky computer genius helped me print out the image on a computer. I then glued the print outs to the outside of the box creating a giant empty box of wine. Of course I could keep the box empty. If I did my costume would not be authentic. As I was purchasing my box of wine a thought crossed my head. "There’s nothing better then being the guy at a party dressed like a giant wine box dispensing wine from his wine box. However threes nothing worse then being at a party dressed like a giant wine box and running out of wine." Boom problem solved ill buy 2 boxes of wine. In my infinite wisdom I forgot that wine 1 box of cheap wine was enough to get an entire collegiate football team buzzed.
I pull one bag of wine out of the box and I ductape it to the inside of my costume. Cut out a little whole near my Don Johnson area and Walla im now an actual wine box and people are able to drink wine from my costume. With my costume complete I hop in my buddy’s girlfriends car ready to do my thing like an inmate at a conjugal visit.
Were driving up to the party and that same voice that told me to buy 2 boxes of wine starts telling me. Hey there friend this is a perfect opportunity to pregame. I agree of course and my friend Dave and I start slapping the bag in the backseat. If you’re unfamiliar with this drinking game it’s basically a friendly competition that consists of chugging whine where your turn should be roughly every 10-20 minutes. We decided to go every 1-2.
We arrive at the college around 9pm and meet up with a chick we all know from our hometown. I make some last minute adjustments to my costume and was ready to start partying. The first party we go to my costume is a hit. Girls/guys/faculty everybody is sipping out of wine box. I could already tell it would be a good night. Never have I been so far off.
About I and 10 other peeps then walk to my friend Vern’s place after about 20 minutes. I live in New England but for some odd reason it’s only snowed about 10 combined inches all winter. About 9 and half of them were on this night. So by the time we get to Vern’s my costume is still intact but it’s on its legs having been acting as my winter jacket over the 10 minute walk. We get to Vern’s who dressed as Gene Simmons. I was at his house for about 10 minutes before I finally recognized that Gene Simmons was Vern. He def gets an academy award for costume design. Were all sipping wine on the couch and I have to break the seal. I go to stand up and realize I went from sober to drunk, completely skipped buzzed and now walking to go to the bathroom would suddenly be a challenge. I go to stand up and instantly sit back down. Soon as I hit the couch..........................Its 8am WTF happened
Sure ive done my far share of drinking and occasionally wake up and say how could I of possibly arrived at an establishment such as this. After about 20-30 seconds of intense brainstorming I remember just how I wound up there. Now sometimes the nest day when thinking back about the night ill forget little 10 minute segments or what was said in conversations...who doesn’t?
But this time was different. The last thing I remember was sitting on the couch. The last 7 hours are completely blank, no slight memories, no ideas nothing. I immediately investigate and find
1) All my limbs are still attached and im not bleeding. Therefore I can eliminate the possibility of me being drugged by a nice lady who then takes my kidney and sells it on the black market...im instantly feeling better
2) Im not hurt at all and am not in pain. Now I can eliminate the possibility of being roofied and poked in the anoos by a homosexual. And im feeling even better now.
3) I realize that I am in my friend enca's room. Thus knowing I was not sold into the sex trade in some far off country. Now im feeling great...but still confused with many questions about how I arrived at this point.
I look at what am wearing and my confusion only greatens. I’m wearing women’s tights a small shirt cut off above the belly button and a headband. Where has my costume gone? Oh there it is. On the floor. Well actually there’s only 1 piece of the box is on the floor...covered in throw up. The whereabouts to this day of the rest of the box are unknown. I’m ready to tack my night up the unsolved mystery clipboard and just hope I don’t read about myself in the newspaper in the near future. But No. My friend Vern tells me exactly what has happened the night before.
We start off and im sitting on the couch at 10pm. Sounds about right so far. He then explains that we walk next store to a party. This part of the night I am unaware of. Upon walking in Vern says everybody wanted to drink wine from my costume. I walk in carrying my other small box of wine in my hand. Now apparently every time somebody drank out of my costume they made me drink out of my box and if they didn’t make me I would do it anyways…solely to keep the routine. So I come to find out that the whole party split a box of wine and I myself had a box of wine.
I have this tradition when im drunk. It’s called trip and fall down on your face. I try and keep the tradition every time I drink. And this night o did I ever. My friend Vern tells me I kept falling and that combined with the snowstorm my costume endured earlier; my best costume ever was now falling apart. He explains to me that with my costume on its last legs we leave the party in search of a new costume. He is able to find an 80's female aerobics instructor costume hence my morning attire. He lets me know I was so drunk I was unable to put the costume on myself. But being the good friend he is puts the costume on me in an attempt to get me back to the party. I eventually fall down while he’s putting the costume on me and am unable to get up.
So apparently now im lying on the floor laughing/making strange noises and hes sitting on his bed laughing/wondering what the fuck these noises meant. Next he tells me a girl walks in the bedroom. She instantly stone cold Steve Austin stunners me in the stomach and judging from my face Vern’s tells me I somehow do by best Houdini impression and magically don’t throw up after drinking 45 gallons of wine then getting a sumo slam to the abdomen. Then in an unusual turn she tells me and Vern that she would be pleased if we could have a threesome. As she’s sitting on top of me and im lying on the floor me and Vern start negotiating a double team across the room. My sober self isn’t really down with that and ive never hooked up with a girl at the same time another individual of male decent was hooking up with the same girl. So im not sure in my shitfaced state if I was joking around or super drunk and actually considered it.
Apparently I and Vern negotiate this 3 some for about 2 minutes. I have no idea what we negotiate on or the terms we were discussing. (Vern still hasn’t told me. Either hes to embarrassed or he wants to save me some ounce of self respect.) Then I fall asleep as were negotiating. The girl gives me the peoples elbow to the face. One of my personal favorite moves but I prefer to watch it on WWF Raw smack down at 8pm on channel 31. Not actually have it performed on me. I wake up and the negotiations continue.
Next I pose a question to Vern that requires him to implement critical drunk thinking and he thinks of a proper response. After about 20 seconds of thinking he responds to my question. There’s no answer. Why? Because now apparently me and this girl are having sex. Vern says all negotiations then stop and he leaves the room. As he leaves he tells me im throwing up gang signs at him as he walks out the door.
The girl eventually leaves the room and on schedule I start throwing up. Not a little throw up gallons and gallons of purple goodness. Everywhere. My wonderful friend Sid cleans up all the throw up and puts me to bed in encas room. About an hour later the party for whatever reason moves to encas bedroom. Supposedly there’s a weird smell that is identified as someone who shit their pants. As the guy who’s passed out drunk in women’s clothes with a fresh serving of puke around him im automatically blamed. A girl pulls down my pants and im clean. The poopy pants smell in encas room still hasnt been solved.
Shortly after everyone leaves and all my friends go to bed. The next day I head back home feeling sick and confused, dressed as a woman, wondering if I had a STD or a possible child on the way.
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