Most Innovative Idea of all time/ guaranteed A / future of birth control

For marketing class we needed to think of a unique product with a unique way of advertising it. The only 2 rules were no company could be producing it right now and no company advertises there product in such a way. After 6 seconds of brainstorming this is the first thing I came up with and I just went with it…..

My creative product I am trying to advertise is Wholly condoms. They are condoms with holes in them. For the clean lover that wants to have fun and also wants a baby, Wholly condoms. You found that perfect mother but uh oh she has herpes Wholly condoms are for you.

I am going to advertise them in different places. The first is at church. The church is tradionally pro-life. These condoms are also pro-life. They are in no way or form birth control. They are actually the exact opposite. They unequivalently support reproduction. Therefore I was thinking that they could be promoted at churches. Possibly when one goes up for communion instead of wine and a wafer they get wine, a wafer, and a Wholly condom. One will also get a condom if they contribute to the collection plate. For every dollar someone contributes they get one condom.

The second place I would advertise is Planned Parenthood. Planned Parenthood helps prevent unwanted babies and unwelcome disease. Unfortunately wholly condoms do not do a great job of stopping undesired offspring but they are tremendous at preventing disease. Seeing how disease is tied for the top of the list on Planned Parenthood’s most dreaded consequences, I think Planned Parenthood would welcome Wholly Condoms with open arms.

The final place I would advertise them is at STD clinics. Wholly condoms primarily markets to members of society who want to reproduce with other members of society who have sexually transmitted disease. Therefore a large portion of Wholly condoms cliental would be located at these clinics.

Other random ideas for advertising would be hiring a washed up celebrity as a spokesperson such as Hulk Hogan, Woody Allen, the estate of Anna Nicole Smith, the person who sang the Macarena, the most unpopular Jonas brother, or Kim Kardashian in 10 years. The next type of advertising is putting the logo on fluorescent urinal cakes. People are already using their genitalia to urinate so chances are something about their penis has crossed their mind while urinating. Therefore what’s one more thing involving your penis. Wholly condoms.

Wholly condoms are the first condom that both Planned Parenthood and the church can agree is a positive for society. Wholly condoms also have an edge economically on its competitors because it only uses 98% of the latex that other condom manufactures do. That’s not a lot of latex for just one pack of condoms but when you take into account how many condoms are produced a year financially this is a significant advantage.

Have you ever been a female before? While being that female have you ever lied to your boyfriend? Have you ever lied to your boyfriend by saying you’re pregnant when you’re really not so your boyfriend won’t leave you for a much cuter younger girl with better measurements? I think like 9 of my friends have had this inconvenient situation forced upon them. And I think like 6 of my friends have tried it. IT even happened to me…twice. Well if you’re a strapping young male with a promising future and your ex/almost ex-girlfriend says you knocked me up you can say wait just one second young lady I didn’t use a wholly condom. I used one of those stupid condoms with no holes. I call FALSE on your accusation. BUT WAIT females instead of accusing your boyfriend of impregnating you when you know it’s not true…take that next step and actually get yourself impregnated. Use a wholly condom. This way when your boyfriend doesn’t believe you just say look at my belly..wat up son…child support…Wholly Condoms.

Coming soon is our next product. Stay tuned for breakaway condoms…..condoms designed to break.

This teacher better give me an A plus or I am causing a scene in class.

A kind drunk leprechaun saves my life

Soo I finally got a twitter Fannypack_swag SOooo now I can just keep writing smut…instead of political smut. In honor of st patty’s day I am going to hold off on the finale of Trash cans and illegal poker and share my story about that night I met a real life leprechaun. It was Frosh year in college……..

 Me and my roommates and like 6 other people go to a local bar/club. Its 18+ but obv we made a strategic move and started drinking before the club. So we get there and were ½ shitfaced ½ ready to get more shitfaced. I walk in the club and they give me this ass clown permanent marker mark on my left hand that says you too young to drink you’re a little bitch go home. Instead of washing it off I negotiate the purchase of a Heineken with an individual in the club that is of the proper age to drink. I do it once, I do it twice, I do it thrice then this big ass bouncer whose bicep is as big as my chest tells me no more drinking and kindly asks me to leave the club.

I tell my 2 roommates NOJ and the stuttering stud that my business is no longer welcome in the club and we all get a taxi and bounce to a different location. That location is a strip club. We walk in and I am not sure if it was the combination of me having a girlfriend and the prominent amount of syphilis in the surrounding area but for some reason I just wasn’t feeling it. However NOJ and the stuttering stud are ready to make it rain. I gracefully exit the dirty dirty adult entertainment facility and start a long journey home.

 

The drive to the club was about 10 minutes on the highway. Now for some reason I thought 10 highway driving minutes would be equivalent to 15 drunk walking minutes. After about 30 minutes of walking I realized my assumption was way off. I kept walking...and walking...and walking. After about 2 hours of walking I thought I’d be back at school but no. Then I realized I had been walking in the wrong direction. So now I am about 2 hours of walking away from the strip club my roommates were and another 10 minutes of highway driving minutes on top of that. To top it all off my cell phone was dead. And now I was sobering up. At this point I considered crying but quickly remembered I do not have a vagina nor am I watching the scene in the Lion King where Mufasa gets curb stomped by the stampede. This was no time to cry and I quickly get my act together and am about to pull a U-turn when out from nowhere pops out the friendliest leprechaun of all time

Now at first I didn’t know he was a leprechaun but I was able to use my super drunkilect to determine that is indeed exactly what this dude was. It was about 2am and there was nobody on the street within eyesight then this guy just appears out of nowhere. I immediately notice 3 things about this guy

1. He is super-duper short. He’s def. less than 5 feet but I don’t think he was a midget. You know like one of those guys that are too tall to be legally classified as a midget but are so short it’s painfully obvious he’s below average really short height. This is probably the worst height a man can possibly be because you get the midget looks from strangers but your about 2 inches to tall to reap all the benefits of being a human chode.

2. He is wearing the exact same clothing that that ill dude on the lucky charms box wears
. Top hat vest and everything. He also had the Irish beard. He legit looks like a leprechaun

3. He smells like a mix of the great depression and beer.

He says to me “Hawareya” I say whats up and just continue walking. As im walking away he says to me “ahre Ya last frand.” Not even thinking about how he knows im lost I reply “Why yes I am lost.” He then tells me he knows how I can get home and begins to describe the most ridiculous set of directions to me….”wak 2 brocks up than take yar left. Gar pahst tha farst builing, than dahn thar stars. Wak savan pahcas straight. Wark up ta thar farst carh. Tat carh wall take ya ware ya ar going.

WTF is this little gentlemen talking about. Up the block down the stairs 70 random paces straight and the first car there will take me where I am going at 3am? I turn around to ask him what the fuck he is talking about and to please stop talking so Irish I can’t understand you. As I turn around he is gone. Vanished. Nowhere to be found.

 So I start to follow his directions. If I wasn’t so tired I probably would have realized that 99 times out of 100 I am going to follow his directions and when I turn the corner all his buddies are probably going to jump me. And I am just going to get curb stomped for days by a bunch of Irish midgets.

 But no I follow his directions to the T. Walk 2 blocks up…..take the left. I walk past the first building then down the stairs. I then count 70 steps straight, look up and directly in front of me I see a car sitting in this random parking lot and so I walk up to it.

And who’s in the car. 2 of my buddy’s from school who are too drunk to drive home and are just sitting in the parking lot doing bumps of cocaine. I tell them I am sober enough to drive home and I grab the driver seat and we all make the long trip back to school.

If it wasn’t for that sketchball/heroic leprechaun I would probably still be walking

Illegal Gambling, Republicans and a lil KONY in the morning

Whats new. Lets see Rush Limbaugh made another racist statement. Like I don’t get it ….is his soul ambition in life to be the exact opposite of Malcolm X? How can you dislike all races excpet white people. I get it some people don’t like other races but how can Rush Limbaugh dislike them all. Youd think like okay he hates blacks, Mexicans, Asians, muslims but maybe theres 1 random race he loves. Maybe sometime a few years ago he got a really good blowjob from a peruian prostitute. And now he has a special place in his heart for the kind people of Peru. Or geez idk he had a combodian penpal as a kid and Cambodians get a pass in his book. But no hes equally hatefull of all races that don’t see NASCAR as a religious outing. Hes a fucking clown



And in other republican news Its Super Tuesday. So who am I going to vote for the dude who wants to put all the gay people on an island and blow it up, the dude who doesn’t believe in medical marijuana and constantly lies to the public, or the guy with the fake hair, or the feeble old guy who very well could die before the voting process begins today. Well im def not voting for the guy with the fake hair 1. Because he looks like a goon 2.) I think Iran could use his wig as blackmail 3.) im slightly jealous. Enough with politics…

The rest of the news in 6 seconds. No I did not go see Dr Seuss Lorax my acid dealer was out of town. If your reading this from the Midwest look out your window if theres no tornado keep reading this…if there is a tornado keep reading this your going to die anyways.





Soooooooooooo back to my story from last time. Its Friday and im feeling good. Friday is always the time when you feel the best. Work/school is done for the week and your hopes are always high. Who knows this could be the weekend you meet the love of your life, Go to a party like Project X or win the lottery. But no. Usually by Sunday Afternoon you have an overdraft charge from Bank of America, you spent the weekend sitting around at your friends parents house getting high and you’ve contracted a sexually transmitted disease from your fat last resort booty call.


So I make my way to my to Delicious’s house. We arrive at a underground poker room. The dude there buzzes us in. When we come inside we are offered unlimited free food and alchol. Then we are shown a small cubby in the wall we must hide in if the cops come (since were 17). This slightly worried me but the free food/ drinks made me feel much better. You could put 17 year old me alone in a room with hanibal lecter and id take my chances if there was free food and booze inside. We play poker into the wee hours of the morning and we leave each about 200$ richer.

So now Saturday comes along and Delicious tries to convince me to play more poker. My immediate reaction is absolutely not don’t call me ever again. The night before was all drinking and poker and no girls. Saturday was my night to drunkenly hit on high school girls. Usually ill get shot down but atleast I made an attempt. There was no way I could have a weekend void of all drunken sloppy hook up attempts. Also I had a fresh 200 in my pocket from the night before and I was excited to do some actual shopping compared to my usuall monitor shopping (scrolling through the entire page on my computer, deciding what I would want, then buying none of it because im broke as fuck). Buttt On top of that Delicious is telling me I have to give him 150$ and were going to play in a 9 person poker tournament online together. The winner gets 2700$. So im like ok fine whatever lets gamble and I fill my gas tank with 30$ drive down to his house and snag $20 of vodka and just like that im broke again.

So I arrive at Delicious’s parents house and we take our 150 each and deposit it to an online poker site. Before I know it were playing in our winner take all 2700$ poker tournament and theres only us and one other person left. So here I am with 0$ in my pocket playing a winner take all for 2700 wich would be 1350 each. Eventually we overcome the odds and came out victorious. With 1350$ each to spend however we please. At this moment I get a money boner and I literally thought I was the richest person in the world. I was like im instantly buying a house or a Mercedes or an entire 7-11 or possibly a giant collection of rare animals or Jurrasic Park. At this point I don’t even know what to do with myself or my 1350$. I break 3 random items in his house claiming id pay for them later because im rich as balls. Then we have the most akward chest bump of all time and I go home to get some rest for a summer league basketball game Sunday.

Little did I know that it would be less then 2 hours before Delicious would convince me to let our 2700$ ride,



Ohh and this KONY shit Heres what people dont understand about KONY. The movie is a scam, a scam to get the public behind AFRICOM (U.S. Military in Africa) The movie was really well done and all those horrible things with children over there do go on. But it goes on because Uganda's corrupted leader Museveni allows it to. Hes the guy to go after, but we dont because were not really interested in capturing KONY or Museveni. Were interested in putting our military into Uganda who already has one of the most corrupted militaries in the world. If we wanted to catch KONY we would have used a drone like we do with every other gaddafi, bin laden character. Dudes got 30,000 kids with him...you really think hes hard to find. Besides hes not even in UGAnda. This stuffs been going on for 20 years you really think the US government didnt know about. They make it public when its convenient for them. So they can put our military in Africa and the public will be behind it cuz they think its for a good cause...and our government can keep fucking with Africa as we always have.

#Therealkony

Sorry about all this political bs. Some one needs to show me how to make a twitter so I can just keep writing stories and keep all that political nonsense other places

Trash cans and illegal poker part 1

If any haters  read this please dont try and shut down my Facebook , youtube or google account. I was born with an ambition to dumb things its not my fault. Thank you that is all

I stood there trying to find enough change to buy a Gaterade. Got it! But that means you don’t have enough money for slim jims FML. I also had to save every penny I could for my cell phone bill due in 3 days. As a high school kid id rather go to school missing a limb then missing a cell phone. Also as a high school kid you need every dollar you can get and your usually broke as balls. Which I was. My bank account was constantly fluctuating between 6 and 12 dollars depending on grocery market sales on Bud light/keystone light/ any type of alcoholic beverage. Usually by the end of the weekend I would be right around 6 dollars. Just enough to buy me 2 days school lunch. Id have to somehow make more cash early on in the week and reconvene my finances on Wednesday. On a Sunday evening my account was typically around 6 dollars little did I know by the end of weekend my Bank account wouldn’t have 6 dollars but have 6 figures in it.

I started playing poker when I was 15. As your typical teenager into sports I was sitting in front of the couch watching ESPN. Then the world series came on…the world series of poker. Hmm okay I thought the game looked cool but then I saw how much money they were playing for. Some guy from Tennesse who looked like hed be of average intelligence for my high school won 2 million dollars.

Keep in mind my high school intelligence breakdown is as such. Top 15% ---Average intelligence for society in general. Next 25% average intelligence for public school (This is slightly below average intelligence for society). Next 25% below average intelligence for public school (This is significantly below average intelligence for society). 15% problem children . (These are the types of kids that have rules created because of them and signs made on the wall like NO SPITTING ON WALL, because they are not able to rationalize why a wall would not be a reasonable place to hock a lugie.) You never know what to expect with that category. Next 10% the please help us category. These kids are so dumb they require help. They are below the problem children but are somehow still enrolled in school. Usually these kids are super nice and good people. Then finally 40% the dropouts. Is That 100%? I wouldn’t fucking know because I went to public school.


So at 15 after watching some poker on TV I grabbed one of my younger brothers and started playing poker. Now since we both had no money this game was as ghetto as you could get. We had no poker chips so we played with rocks. We had 48 cards 3 of which were ripped and 1 had “7 of spades” written on the outside. And we played for 32 cents we found under the couch. Nobody knew the rules and we made them up as we went along as we saw fit. In no shape or form did they resemble the actual rules of a poker game.

Gambling was banned in my house so I had to get in touch with my inner OJ to be able to play some online poker for real money with people that were older then the first grade. I gave my mom 100 dollars and told her I was buying a pair of shoes online. Instead I deposited the money on a poker site and started playing online. Things went really well from the beginning. I made a small amount of cash at online poker and told my dad. His original response was “You were scammed you dumb shit, why have you not taken out the trash.” Of course I was not scammed but his trash argument was a reasonable request since I had not taken out the trash in over 22 days. My usual excuse was “Its not full and that’s not economic or efficient and if I took out an un-full trash can I would be misusing the town trash system and also polluting the environment and would be unable to forgive myself and have to resort to seeing a psychiatrist to help me through my tough time thus costing my dad hundreds of dollars“. My dad was so tired with this shit sandwich excuse he just stopped caring. So now that I had the authority to not take out the trash until it was full and I did everything in my power to make sure it was not full. This included moving trash items from full trash cans to other various half full trash cans around the house, stepping on the trash to make more room and one time I stapled a piece of fruit to the trash can because the can was so full it was impossible to find an open spot. Fuck now were off topic…anyways poker was going good but it was about to go a lot better.


So I had cash flow to support me but it wasn’t that much. Just to buy booze and junk food and occasionally go out to the movies.

So school gets out and I get a call from my friend delicious who lives about 40 minutes away asking me if I wanted to go play in an underground poker game that night. I asked was drinking allowed and he said Of course it is. I was happy with his response and proceeded to tell him it would be an honor to spend an evening partaking in a fun poker game with you…lets get shitfaced that way if we loose were still enjoying ourselves.


So then I do my regular Friday afternoon things….skip last block, throw some pencils at the ceiling, hit on girls, get my cell phone back that the teacher took during 1^st block, apologize to the principle for my daily behavior and apologize for any future dumb things I will do. rationalize to my 2^nd block teacher my reason for cheating and beg for a redo, attempt to have a make out session with the cutest girl in school and get shot down, play some pick up basketball, avoid my parents who will forsure tell me to do some chores, take a 15 minute nap from my hard day as you average c student in public school then go eat slim jims and start drinking.

Due to my ruthless ambition to do as many dumb things as possible and my lush levels of alcohol tolerance most weekend blend together into memory. However this weekend about to go down would not be one I would forget soon.