A kind drunk leprechaun saves my life

Soo I finally got a twitter Fannypack_swag SOooo now I can just keep writing smut…instead of political smut. In honor of st patty’s day I am going to hold off on the finale of Trash cans and illegal poker and share my story about that night I met a real life leprechaun. It was Frosh year in college……..

 Me and my roommates and like 6 other people go to a local bar/club. Its 18+ but obv we made a strategic move and started drinking before the club. So we get there and were ½ shitfaced ½ ready to get more shitfaced. I walk in the club and they give me this ass clown permanent marker mark on my left hand that says you too young to drink you’re a little bitch go home. Instead of washing it off I negotiate the purchase of a Heineken with an individual in the club that is of the proper age to drink. I do it once, I do it twice, I do it thrice then this big ass bouncer whose bicep is as big as my chest tells me no more drinking and kindly asks me to leave the club.

I tell my 2 roommates NOJ and the stuttering stud that my business is no longer welcome in the club and we all get a taxi and bounce to a different location. That location is a strip club. We walk in and I am not sure if it was the combination of me having a girlfriend and the prominent amount of syphilis in the surrounding area but for some reason I just wasn’t feeling it. However NOJ and the stuttering stud are ready to make it rain. I gracefully exit the dirty dirty adult entertainment facility and start a long journey home.

 

The drive to the club was about 10 minutes on the highway. Now for some reason I thought 10 highway driving minutes would be equivalent to 15 drunk walking minutes. After about 30 minutes of walking I realized my assumption was way off. I kept walking...and walking...and walking. After about 2 hours of walking I thought I’d be back at school but no. Then I realized I had been walking in the wrong direction. So now I am about 2 hours of walking away from the strip club my roommates were and another 10 minutes of highway driving minutes on top of that. To top it all off my cell phone was dead. And now I was sobering up. At this point I considered crying but quickly remembered I do not have a vagina nor am I watching the scene in the Lion King where Mufasa gets curb stomped by the stampede. This was no time to cry and I quickly get my act together and am about to pull a U-turn when out from nowhere pops out the friendliest leprechaun of all time

Now at first I didn’t know he was a leprechaun but I was able to use my super drunkilect to determine that is indeed exactly what this dude was. It was about 2am and there was nobody on the street within eyesight then this guy just appears out of nowhere. I immediately notice 3 things about this guy

1. He is super-duper short. He’s def. less than 5 feet but I don’t think he was a midget. You know like one of those guys that are too tall to be legally classified as a midget but are so short it’s painfully obvious he’s below average really short height. This is probably the worst height a man can possibly be because you get the midget looks from strangers but your about 2 inches to tall to reap all the benefits of being a human chode.

2. He is wearing the exact same clothing that that ill dude on the lucky charms box wears
. Top hat vest and everything. He also had the Irish beard. He legit looks like a leprechaun

3. He smells like a mix of the great depression and beer.

He says to me “Hawareya” I say whats up and just continue walking. As im walking away he says to me “ahre Ya last frand.” Not even thinking about how he knows im lost I reply “Why yes I am lost.” He then tells me he knows how I can get home and begins to describe the most ridiculous set of directions to me….”wak 2 brocks up than take yar left. Gar pahst tha farst builing, than dahn thar stars. Wak savan pahcas straight. Wark up ta thar farst carh. Tat carh wall take ya ware ya ar going.

WTF is this little gentlemen talking about. Up the block down the stairs 70 random paces straight and the first car there will take me where I am going at 3am? I turn around to ask him what the fuck he is talking about and to please stop talking so Irish I can’t understand you. As I turn around he is gone. Vanished. Nowhere to be found.

 So I start to follow his directions. If I wasn’t so tired I probably would have realized that 99 times out of 100 I am going to follow his directions and when I turn the corner all his buddies are probably going to jump me. And I am just going to get curb stomped for days by a bunch of Irish midgets.

 But no I follow his directions to the T. Walk 2 blocks up…..take the left. I walk past the first building then down the stairs. I then count 70 steps straight, look up and directly in front of me I see a car sitting in this random parking lot and so I walk up to it.

And who’s in the car. 2 of my buddy’s from school who are too drunk to drive home and are just sitting in the parking lot doing bumps of cocaine. I tell them I am sober enough to drive home and I grab the driver seat and we all make the long trip back to school.

If it wasn’t for that sketchball/heroic leprechaun I would probably still be walking